Recently, the conflicts between the genders seem to have intensified following the announcement of the results of the American election, which triggered a tsunami of misogynistic rhetoric online. Trump’s and the conservative Republican Party’s takeover in the USA is perceived as a significant setback for equality, leaving particularly many women, as well as minority groups, almost in a state of shock, while there is great schadenfreude among the far-right extremists, who favour the battle cry: “Your body, my choice!”
The situation in the USA has an impact on the whole world, so what happens on the other side of the pond is also relevant to us. The question is why the gender struggle has hardened so much and what can be done to overcome the division so that the genders can live together in more harmony and with greater respect for one another in the future.
In later years there has been an unprecedented surge in the dissemination of misogynistic content on social media and elsewhere online. Dubious content creators, such as Andrew Tate and others of his ilk, are sending a relentless stream of material out into the internet, where they boast and brag about quick money, expensive cars, swelling muscular physiques, and a large “consumption” of “bitches” (their term for ‘women’). These so-called “influencers,” who in all seriousness believe that women should be men’s property and exist solely for men’s pleasure, have quickly amassed millions of followers—particularly young boys and men.
These young men uncritically swallow this content whole, apparently without realising that following the advice of these men is a surefire way to ruin their relationships with women and diminish their chances of forming genuinely loving and fulfilling partnerships. Instead, it merely drives young men to chase after casual relationships, empty entertainment, and soulless distractions, which ultimately leaves them even more isolated, more depressed and lonelier than they were before, which certainly will not lead to a decrease in the high number of suicides among men.
Social Media Alghorithms Amplify Harmful Rhetoric
The documented rise in misogynistic rhetoric online is exacerbated by social media algorithms. Previous research from UCL and the University of Kent has demonstrated, for instance, that popular social media platforms significantly enhance the visibility of misogynistic content through their recommendation algorithms. In a controlled study, researchers discovered that after just five days, the suggested content promoting misogynistic ideas increased from 13% to 56% of the recommended videos for specific user profiles [2].
Regrettably, misogynistic tropes are becoming normalized in youth culture, as the harmful ideologies expressed in online spaces infiltrate the real world and influence rhetoric there as well. Phrases such as “go back to the kitchen” and “your body, my choice” illustrate a growing confidence among groups who feel empowered to openly challenge women’s rights. Even more troubling is the incitement of violence against women.
Experts are therefore calling for greater accountability from social media companies, urging them to take control and mitigate these trends, as they profoundly impact the mental health and social behavior of young people. [3] However, in the end it is also up to us, as members of society, to combat this rhetoric and prevent it from gaining a foothold.
Women Are Tired of Incomprehending Men
The misogynistic trend has unfortunately caused many women to feel quite unsafe around men. According to statistics, they seem to have good reasons for this, as 99 per cent of all sexual assaults are committed by men, while one in three or four women experience sexual violence or abuse from men [4]. This is very much in line with the recent viral phenomenon where women were asked whom they would prefer to encounter in a dark forest: a man or a bear, with most responding: a bear! [5]
Many men did not understand this answer and were unwilling to acknowledge it. Instead of trying to empathise and understand why women are so fearful of men, many men reacted defensively taking it as a personal attack, as in their worldview, they could never dream of harming a woman.
They labeled the women hysterical and accused them of “hating men” and just wanting to “play the victim”. However, this quite tone-deaf reaction only underscores women’s fears, as it clearly demonstrates how little many men understand what it is like to be a woman in a male-dominated world, how they view everything only from their own perspective and how women cannot expect most men to be their allies. Of course, not all men participate in the anti-women hate movement, but far too many choose to be silent observers, either closing their eyes or simply watching the harassment of women without doing anything at all to stop the harassment. In doing so, they effectively accept what is happening. [6]
Women are tired of men who show little or no sympathy towards them and dismiss or disregard real evidence that women are subjected to aggression, discrimination, or oppression. And they are tired of defensive men who tend to believe it is all about a competition where the aim is to win against women, even when it comes to who is the greatest “victim” of the other gender—men or women.
Women do not wish to engage in such a competition. They simply seek understanding and solidarity from men. But unfortunately, achieving this understanding appears to be very challenging, especially when the opposing party feels threatened as a man by complaints from women about men. Most men do not believe that they personally discriminate against anyone, and therefore feel unjustly accused, even though the complaints are not directed at them personally. It is challenging when men view their relationships with women in this defensive way instead of being open to talking about it, as such reactions cause people to withdraw rather than communicate and strive to understand one another. It drives a wedge between the genders.
Extreme Misogyny Causes Women to Shut Men Out
There is considerable discussion in the media regarding women increasingly opting out of relationships and choosing to remain single. As of late there has been a surge in interest for the concept of the South-Korean 4B movement. 4B is a shorthand for the four Korean words ‘bihon’, ‘bichulsan’, ‘biyeonae’ and ‘bisekseu’, which translate to ‘no marriage’, ‘no childbirth’, ‘no dating’ and ‘no sex with men’. Ashli Pollard, a 36-year-old in St. Louis, told CNN: “We have pandered and begged for men’s safety and done all the things that we were supposed to, and they still hate us”. Consequently, she and other women have decided to disengage from men until men change their ways. Whether this movement will gain widespread traction remains to be seen. [7]
It is a fact though, that more and more people are living alone. Fewer and fewer are having children. The statistics confirm this [8], and politicians are concerned about societal trends, as too few children are being born, and too many households only have one member. This seems to be affecting men more, who apparently find it harder than women to cope with life as singles. The suicide rate among men is significantly higher than that of women, and it is concerning that it is on the rise.
The question then arises as to whether the situation has anything to do with how gender roles have been slowly changing for the last hundred years. Yes, it certainly does, but probably not in the way we may think. Many blame the rise of feminism for the problems, which they believe has created a divide between the genders. Feminists face fierce opposition and experience extreme misogyny, particularly directed at them. But that is to turn the artillery the wrong way.
Oppression of Women Then and Now
The problem isn’t the feminist’s fight for equal rights for women. The problem has always been and continues to be the patriarchy, which not only oppresses women but also men, turning the genders against each other to the detriment of both. No one benefits from others suffering. Nevertheless, there are still powerful forces at play that seek to strip women of the rights that feminists have fought so hard to secure over the past century. Some even seriously believe that women should be denied their right to vote in democratic elections, exacerbating the already tense situation between the genders. Misogyny is on the rise and is palpable.
Historically, men have primarily held societal, political, and economic control in most parts of the world. When women began to demand more participation and equality, they thus challenged the historical power dynamics where men have traditionally held more power than women. The wish for changes often results in resistance and conflicts between those who are for and those who are against the changes, and this has created many tensions between the genders, also between women themselves.
Cultural norms and gender stereotypes largely dictate how the genders “should” behave and how they communicate. Socialisation from an early age influences viewpoints on gender, while the media often reinforce the stereotypes and conflicts. Other factors, such as inequality in the labour market, also play a significant role. The different roles and positions of men and women in society have contributed to men’s and women’s different communication styles, which again often leads to misunderstandings between the genders. A lack of empathy and understanding can create divisions, just as complaints about historical injustices contribute to ongoing tensions between the genders. At the same time, factors such as race and sexual orientation—so-called “intersectionality”—can come into play and further complicate the situation.
It’s as if all these conflict and tensions between the genders have come to a peak now, and that it has come to a point where everything is about to burst – either in one direction leading to even more division or in the other direction leading people to seek peace and harmony, because they are tired of being at war. In any case, if these conflicts are to be overcome, the genders must learn to communicate more openly, listen to one another and understand each other’s issues, as well as show more empathy towards each other instead of fighting against one another. Men should be grateful that women simply want equality and not revenge for the millennia of oppression that women have endured for so long!
Returning to Outdated Gender Roles Solves Nothing
The solution is definitely not to return to a time when men lived the good life at the expense of women, who had to sacrifice their freedom so that the men could pursue their dreams. That would certainly not make women feel safer around men. In many countries, women have finally achieved rights that they did not have before—such as the right to vote, the right to own property, the right to open a bank account, the right to education, the right to stand for election and hold political office and other leadership roles, the right to no-fault divorce, the right to abortion, the right to equal pay, and so on. Women are not willing to return to a time when they had almost no power or autonomy and had to live solely at the mercy of men.
To ensure that women feel safe, the solution must involve a further shift in our perspective, where we truly learn to see and respect all individuals as equals and not merely as means to satisfy our own needs—and that we make sure that everyone gets a fair chance and also support to pursue their dreams without anyone having to sacrifice themselves completely for others to become happy. Having children, for instance, requires sacrifices, yes, but it should be possible to share the responsibility for the children’s well-being, so that it does not rest almost solely on one party.
What more is needed to promote greater equality and increased trust between men and women? It is not beneficial for anyone to be closed off and dismissive. Everyone benefits from individuals who are open, expressive about their feelings, and willing to learn. Everyone needs their partner to listen more attentively and to have their feelings validated, rather than people immediately jumping to solutions. Everyone needs their partner to be supportive and understanding, especially in difficult times. These principles will save many relationships, but it has to go both ways to work, not just one way. Every relationship also benefits from a more equitable sharing of household chores—and last but not least: Stop being sexist! Those who still have not learned these important life skills must be put back in the classroom to learn these things. Otherwise, we will just be standing still and not making any progress.
Have Men Earned Greater Privileges Than Women?
But some men with a traditional upbringing believe that because they work outside the home, contribute the highest income to the household, and provide for their families, they should have special rights, such as being exempt from most domestic duties at home. This responsibility, they assume, must fall on women, despite the fact that most women today also work and contribute financially to the household. Nevertheless, these men somehow still see themselves as elevated above this and expect women to handle the majority of domestic tasks, including caring for children, elderly parents, and even looking after the men’s own well-being. They behave as if they have earned greater privileges than women. They fail to recognise that merely working and earning money is no longer sufficient, at least not from the women’s perspective, which explains why so many women leave their men.
The men wonder: Have they perhaps not fulfilled their obligations? How can women allow themselves the audacity to reject God’s gift to woman? It can lead to resentment or even hostility towards women, when they express that they no longer wish to love men unconditionally. That there are demands that come with it. That they need men to do more for them to feel loved and feel safer. From the perspective of some traditional men, this seems senseless and simply a ‘lack of respect’—and the punishment for this ‘sin’ can be harsh. But in reality, it is the men themselves who lack respect for women by not supporting and not recognising them as equal human beings with their own aspirations and goals, and by not seeing and valuing or reciprocating the countless unpaid contributions that women make to the household for their mutual benefit, and by not being willing to share tasks more equally and fairly.
In these men’s view, women should be satisfied enough with merely being good housewives, diligently taking care of the household and children. They should preferably just stay at home and not go out to have fun, so there’s no risk of them finding out that the grass might be greener elsewhere. While some women may find the idea of being a stay-at-home housewife appealing, it is not a lifestyle that most women aspire to now-a-days, not even part-time. It seems that some men struggle to accept this reality.
Many Men Project Their Own Self-Loathing and Suppressed Anger Onto Women
Instead of acknowledging this and adapting to it, these men are often inclined to become angry at women and believe that the solution is to go backwards and further dominate and control women, in actuality, almost force them back into traditional gender roles. It’s as if they view women as children who need to be controlled and put in their place—as if they believe that by coercing women into submissiveness, they can somehow compel women to give what they want from them. Some men may succeed in getting a woman to give them something that closely resembles love and care, even sex, in this way, but how genuine is this “love” really, if it is rooted in fear, and the woman may feel that she has no other choice?
Men who attempt to control and dominate women in this way are often men who, deep down, are far more insecure about themselves and their role as men than they would ever dare to admit, not even to themselves. Therefore, to compensate for their insecurity, they have a huge desire to play the role of “the strong, dominant, masculine man” whom everyone should admire and serve, so he can feel important.
In reality, these men often have low self-esteem and are likely filled with self-hatred, which they project onto women. It is quite horrifying to see how deeply some men actually hate women who cannot or do not wish to act as support wheels for men’s masculinity and play the role of men’s ‘serving spirits’, and how far these men will go to make women play this role, with no intention of ever repaying the service. On the contrary, they do what they can to make her life more difficult—e.g., through manipulation, shaming, and worse, threats and physical punishment.
Insecure Young Girls Are The Perfect Target For Misogynistic Men
Men like these particularly target insecure and dependent women who believe men’s claims that they are worth nothing without them—i.e., women who are easily intimidated and easily lose their confidence. These women also suffer from poor self-esteem and internalise men’s hatred by doing what seems easiest in the situation, namely conforming to the man’s needs out of fear of the consequences if they do not [9]. They may be afraid of his wrath, or being abandoned, not being able to cope on their own, and thus ending up being left and alone.
Paradoxically, some of them become so manipulated and brainwashed that they often end up complicit in the man’s misogyny, vocally expressing disdain for their fellow sisters who refuse to conform to the same gender role. Likely unaware that the reluctance of other women to engage in behaviors they themselves adopt exposes their own lack of independence and reveals the serious situation they are in under a man’s total control—a form of Stockholm syndrome—which is not a pretty sight they dare to confront.
There are many examples of young women, who unfortunately find themselves in toxic relationships with very controlling partners, ending up being completely undermined by years of futile attempts to please a partner who is probably never really satisfied, because a person that does not love himself is incapable of loving others and will always feel unsatisfied. Only then do many give up and try to get out of the relationship, realising they have wasted years paying a very high price for nothing.
Why So Many Women Want Divorce
True love does not break people down, but builds them up. Love cannot be forced through coercion, control, threats or dependency. Love can only survive if it is reciprocated and allows both parties to be authentic without either feeling the need to fundamentally change themselves to please the other. For a time, some men may certainly ‘gaslight’ and intimidate women into believing they are inferior and cannot live without men. However, if a man does not reciprocate a woman’s affection by showing her respect and willingness to also meet her needs, this will ultimately breed resentment within her—a grudge that will grow exponentially over time.
More and more women will not tolerate such treatment; many will not endure it even in the short term. Therefore, we see that it is women who initiate the vast majority of divorces[10], without a doubt because they gradually become increasingly annoyed with men who do not respect them and do not treat them as equals. If the men are not attentive enough to women’s needs and reasonable demands for equal responsibility in the relationship sooner or later, the women will leave these men, many of whom often remain clueless about what hit them—and why—because they have only been as they have been raised to be as men, or as society has told them a man should be.
Women nowadays have realized how little many of them get in return for sacrificing themselves to cater to men’s needs. And they are fed up. That is why they leave men who don’t respect them and who don’t value their sacrifice. They leave them if they can—and if they cannot escape physically, perhaps due to economic, societal, and/or cultural hindrances, they will leave the men psychologically and spiritually. They become cold. Instead, they will seek genuine love and respect elsewhere, wherever they can find it. If they cannot find a man who loves and respects them as equals, they would rather live alone and seek the love, respect, and understanding they need—and deserve—among friends, particularly other women.
Men’s Lust For Power Means They Miss Out on a Lot
Women’s solidarity with one another is a formidable force, which indeed threatens men’s dominance as women simply can refuse to follow the rules of the patriarchal game. Men seem to fear this so much that they are willing to go to great lengths to put women in their place. This is why desperate Afghan men are now attempting to deny Afghan women the right to even speak to one another, so men can practically keep women as slaves. This is also why women are often denied control over their own bodies in many countries, where patriarchal systems strive to isolate women, increasing their dependence on men.
By failing to recognize the labor predominantly performed by women as deserving of fair economic compensation, these systems enable men to sustain their dominance. It is remarkable how far men will go to preserve their power and control, often oblivious to the opportunities and richness of experience they forfeit in the process.
Do men truly believe that women will love or care for them more by increasing their control over women, depriving them from many of the freedoms they themselves enjoy? Of course the women will not accept that. It is very important, that men understand that women truly want to love them, but not at any cost—certainly not by completely sacrificing themselves. Women also wish to have their love reciprocated by men. This naturally implies that men see and acknowledge women as whole individuals with the right to develop themselves and their qualities and talents on equal footing with men, and do not see them merely as their servants.
The Struggle for Equality Will Last As Long As It Needs To
If a solid foundation for genuine love, which flourishes and may last a lifetime, is to be built, it cannot be achieved through coercion, control, dominance, intimidation, or gaslighting. Genuine love is only possible when people truly respect each other as equal partners and do not see themselves as neither superior nor inferior to one another, but where both parties are willing to take responsibility for and contribute equally to the relationship between them, such as participating in shared duties at home and doing the mental work necessary to maintain equality and respect for each other in the relationship.
For many men, it is apparently very important to appear as “masculine” as possible, which for many equates to acting “dominant”—i.e., imposing their will at the expense of others. Many men believe that this is the only way they can earn respect. But this is a misunderstanding. It is indeed possible to be masculine while also listening to and showing respect for women as equal human beings who also have something to say. Instead of being “dominant”, men could, for example, be responsive to women’s desires to find a happy medium and then be “proactive”, thereby appearing “masculine”.
If you find out that you want different things and are simply not compatible, then do not try to change them through manipulation and ‘gaslighting’ to get your own wishes fulfilled. Instead, show respect by considering whether you can moderate your demands and reach an agreement that both parties can live with. Or simply leave them be and look for someone else with whom you are more compatible.
Let us make it clear once and for all: masculinity is not about being superior to women, and femininity is not about being inferior to men. It is simply about people of both genders daring to be true to themselves, as they are as authentic individuals, and treating each other with respect, regardless of gender. This does NOT jeopardize or diminish your masculinity or femininity in any way.
As long as many people remain unaware of these issues, we will continue to witness gender conflicts, where women seek recognition and fight for their right to be treated as equals, while men attempt to dominate and resist women’s rise to greater decision-making power, believing that the interaction between men and women is a zero-sum game with only one winner: men! However, therein lies the core problem. It is NOT a zero-sum game. All evidence indicates that gender equality is the most beneficial for both genders, creating a win-win situation that we should all strive for.
There is hope to be found, for fortunately there are plenty of good examples out there showing that it is possible for people of both genders to find balance between the sexes and live together in love, peace, and harmony with deep respect for one another as whole individuals. So please, let us now kindly just respect each other as equals, thank you. There will be no peace until we do.
[1] Source: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/nov/09/trump-your-body-my-choice
[2] Source: https://www.ucl.ac.uk/news/2024/feb/social-media-algorithms-amplify-misogynistic-content-teens
[3] Source: https://www.hhs.gov/sites/default/files/sg-youth-mental-health-social-media-advisory.pdf
[4[ Source: https://www.humboldt.edu/supporting-survivors/educational-resources/statistics
[5] Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Man_or_bear
[6] Source: https://www.abc.net.au/news/2019-08-02/why-men-struggle-to-link-behaviour-to-gender-equality/11314468
[7] Source: https://edition.cnn.com/2024/11/09/us/4b-movement-trump-south-korea-wellness-cec/index.html
[8] Source: https://nyheder.tv2.dk/samfund/2020-07-20-nyt-studie-flere-vil-gaa-gennem-livet-uden-at-faa-boern
[9] Source: https://digitalcommons.nl.edu/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1485&context=diss
[10] Source: https://videnskab.dk/kultur-samfund/hvem-tager-egentlig-initiativet-til-at-afslutte-et-forhold-og-hvorfor/
