Trigger warning:
If you are curious to read about masculinity from a female point of view, then this is for you. But if you have a hard time tolerating a woman allowing herself to have an opinion about what a “real man” is, then I would recommend that you skip this article. 😉
By Elin Brimheim Heinesen
In the past, many believed that men’s purpose in life was to be breadwinners. A man had to provide for his family, otherwise he was not a “real man”. This idea is still alive because many men – especially older generations – were raised with it, and it still rubs off on younger generations. Yet today this idea is outdated, even though some are making a strenuous attempt to re‑introduce old gender roles.
Many men yearn for the “good old days”, when men’s roles seemed more clearly defined. Since women entered the workforce in large numbers, earned their own income, and began to support themselves, many men feel they have lost their purpose as men and no longer know what it means to be a “real man” – or what should replace the breadwinner role.
Many men are therefore insecure about themselves and their masculinity. They feel threatened by feminism and the MeToo movement, which they imagine have the agenda that men “shouldn’t be allowed to be men” anymore.
Does Andrew Tate have the right answer?
Andrew Tate has figured out how to trick these men into thinking he has “the solution”. He preys on their insecurities by pretending he can “liberate” them and turn them into “real men”. He says men must “allow themselves to be men”.
But in his world, men can only call themselves “real men” if they make a lot of money – for example by tricking and cheating others. That is what he claims he can teach his followers – for a lot of money. Men, he says, should provide for “their women”, and when they do, they have the right to dominate and control them. If you do not live up to this narrow gender role, you are not a “real man”, according to Tate.
That Tate is a misogynist is obvious – at least a hater of independent women. But what the men who look up to him apparently don’t see is that he really hates men too. All of Tate’s followers, who believe that MeToo and feminism are limiting them, do not see how limiting the gender role he is selling them is to themselves.
Is it liberating to only allow oneself to show aggression and dominance?
It is of course okay for men to show natural aggression in moments that really require it – or to be assertive in order not to be treated badly. But there is nothing liberating in only allowing men to show aggression and dominance, as if men were that one‑sided.
Asserting that aggression and dominance are the only things that make a man a man is not emancipation, but an oppressive and degrading view of men. In reality, we are all multi‑faceted people with many emotions and qualities, which we should be allowed to show without fear of being accused of not being “real”.
Tate’s ideal of a “real man” just locks men further inside the so‑called “man box”, limiting them to being almost a parody – just as Tate himself is: a man full of inferiority complexes who feels compelled to overcompensate, surrounding himself with “potency extenders” like expensive cars and gold watches while dominating and treading on others with scorn and hollow bravado. Such behavior does not exude strength, but only weakness – at least to most people with a modicum of common sense.
That so many men and boys fail to see how transparent and embarrassing this is for men as a whole is sad at best – and terrifying at worst.
Many young boys unsure of their masculinity
Many young boys want to learn to be “real men”. Today many young men struggle with insecurities about their masculinity and their future prospects, including fear that they may not be able to satisfy their sexual needs throughout their lives.
Many believe that if they become what others tell them “real men” are, they will be more popular with girls, secure sexual satisfaction, and ideally find a partner who can save them from loneliness and provide emotional and sexual fulfilment.
Andrew Tate steps in and targets this insecurity, especially among young men. They see that he appears popular online and gets millions of likes (mostly from other men). They mistake his aggressive demeanour for “masculine strength” and believe that trying to be like him is worth striving for.
Does “masculinity à la Tate” make men less lonely?
Some of those who struggle with their masculinity are tricked into playing the hard and dominant role that Tate recommends in order to be “real” men. They believe him when he says this will give them a foothold in life – and make them popular with girls, who he claims are drawn to men with big gestures and expensive cars. Just look at all the women Tate surrounds himself with. Isn’t that proof enough?
Some men’s egos may get a momentary boost by following Tate’s recipe and learning to be tough and dominant, especially because they receive recognition from other men who cultivate the same ideal. But that recognition is only for how well they play hard, and for their exterior – not for who they really are. The price is that they must suppress large parts of themselves.
In the long run, many will discover that trying to be like Tate just makes them feel more lonely. The more forbidden it is to show emotions other than aggression, the more emotionally isolated they become – not only from women, but also from other men. It becomes a self‑reinforcing vicious circle.
They may manage to sleep with some girls, like Tate himself, but soon realise how shallow and emotionally unsatisfying these relationships are. Often the only girls they can get are those who themselves lack self‑confidence and suffer from poor self‑esteem, and who therefore allow themselves to be belittled by men who do not value them as human beings. Often these are girls who, because of insecurity about their own femininity and anxiety about not living up to an unrealistic ideal, resort to botox, silicone, heavy make‑up and hair extensions, believing this will make them feel more worthy.
Using women as a stimulant will never be satisfying enough
Such superficial relationships never really satisfy these men; they just make them feel more lonely inside. This traps them in a vicious circle – like the one Andrew Tate himself is caught in – where they feel compelled to constantly hunt for new girls, where quantity weighs more than quality. Women become a kind of utility, existing only to satisfy needs here and now – just another stimulant, like alcohol or other drugs.
But this way of relating to women never gives them what all people need to be whole: real love.
When these men discover how little this lifestyle fills the hole of loneliness, it is hard to admit they let themselves be fooled. To avoid losing face, they may try to become even tougher so no one discovers their mistake. They pretend that they do not need to “commit” – à la: “No, women are impossible to deal with, so no woman is going to get the shovel under me!” But this is only an immature way of making a virtue of necessity, because it is too difficult and embarrassing to admit they were wrong.
Many of the men who follow Tate and similar “pick‑up artists”, and who in reality only manage to score immature girls with low self‑esteem, end up looking down on women as a whole, especially strong and independent women whom they cannot impress or reach. Some even start to hate women and blame them entirely for their inability to create closer and more rewarding relationships – which is what they need most to feel loved and have real meaning in life.
The art of putting obstacles in your own way and ending up in self-loathing
These men do not see the paradox: their blind worship of an inhuman male ideal does not develop their self‑esteem or self‑confidence at all, but only makes them – consciously or unconsciously – hate themselves more. Or rather: hate the parts of themselves they suppress. This turns into hatred that they then project onto women, whom they make their external “enemy”.
But it is not women who make life miserable for them. It is their own way of thinking that puts a wedge between them and others and prevents them from experiencing real love – the love they can only find in an equal relationship where both parties really respect each other. These men thus become their own worst enemies.
We have seen countless examples of so‑called “incels” who become so disappointed and frustrated that some end up choosing to murder women and/or take their own lives – an ultimate expression of self‑hatred.
Most women have a completely different ideal of a man than the one Tate sells
Dear young men: if you really want more fulfilling lives with more rewarding relationships with women, don’t strive for the ideal Tate promotes. He has no intention of helping you; he is only interested in keeping you insecure, because your insecurity is what he profits from.
It’s fine to want to impress other young men a bit by competing over muscles and six‑packs. Exercise is healthy if you don’t overdo it. But the male ideal Tate is selling is not the one most women admire – at least not sensible girls or women who are worth investing in, who have self‑respect and respect for others, and who can see qualities in men beyond muscles, money and cars. They are able to love a man for who he really is – not for what he pretends to be.
How do I know this? I am a woman with a long life behind me, and I have talked in confidence with countless other women about what we find attractive in men. But you don’t have to take my word for it. You only need to open your eyes.
Girls love men whom Andrew Tate despises
Look at which male ideals millions of young girls in the world sigh and scream for. It is not men like Andrew Tate that they romantically daydream about and spend time and money on. It is not men like him they stand in line for days to see for a brief moment on stage or screen.
How “masculine”, by Tate’s standards, do these idols look and behave? This is a different kind of masculinity – one Tate despises but girls love.
This is not new. When I was a teenager in the 70s, we were obsessed with idols who dressed colourfully, danced, wore make‑up, had long hair and made music that touched all the heartstrings. It almost didn’t matter what they looked like – as long as they showed emotion, positive energy and self‑esteem.
Men with selfworth do not need to belittle others
It is not only very young girls who love men who do not live up to Tate’s inflated ideal. Adult women are also attracted to men who do not fit into his “man box”.
There is nothing wrong with being traditionally masculine, but it is not the only thing that matters to women. Most women like men who have a natural authority – precisely because they don’t need to inflate themselves with expensive cars and decor, and because they don’t need to degrade women to elevate themselves.
Even if men do not have six‑packs, do not want to dominate women, or do not have much money or expensive cars, they can easily charm women and win their hearts, as long as they have self‑worth, which gives real self‑confidence.
Men with real confidence don’t need to belittle anyone or elevate themselves at others’ expense – for example by ridiculing or blaming women for everything wrong in their lives. Others feel safe with them. Women find it much easier to fall for men with whom they feel safe, who have the energy to give the woman space, and who make them feel valued. This works best for most women – though some with low self‑esteem may seek something else.
Not a lesser man by showing your emotions
It is a bonus when men show they respect themselves enough to take care of their health, appearance and hygiene. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be and look healthy. But women can easily be charmed by a man without a six‑pack. The men who have the biggest advantage in the long run are present men with a genuine interest in women as whole people, not just sex objects, and who make women feel truly seen and understood.
Women do not think men are less men because they show emotions other than aggression. On the contrary. Women see it as a sign of strength when men dare to show their feelings – and show that they don’t feel less masculine for doing so.
Most reasonably sensible women quickly see through a man who needs to puff himself up to appear as “hyper‑masculine” as possible. When men dare not show any emotion other than aggression, many women see this for what it is: a sign of deep insecurity about themselves and their masculinity. It is downright repulsive to most women.
Be open about your feelings – responsibly
If you are a boy or man who wants to avoid loneliness and build deep, loving and meaningful relationships, and you see the advantage in equal relationships based on mutual respect, please don’t be so afraid to show emotions other than anger. It pays much better to be open than to be closed – both for your mental health and your relationships.
If you’re sad, show it. If you’re upset, show it. If you’re happy, show it. If you’re happy for someone, show it. If you’re scared, say it. If you’re angry, explain why and how you feel – to the person you are angry with, and with respect. Be brave if you can, but don’t play something you’re not. Remember that you are only human, like everyone else.
You may fear rejection if you show who you are. But people who reject you just because you show your true feelings are not worth your time or tears. Stay away from them and be glad you discovered in time that they had poor character.
In the eyes of loving and good people, it will not make you a nervous wreck to show your feelings – especially if you do it in an adult and responsible way, where you also show consideration for others. They see it as a great strength that you dare to be open and honest, as long as you speak for yourself, stand by your feelings and take responsibility for them – and do not only complain about how unfair others are to you, but try to understand all parties, also from angles other than your own.
It is fully possible to be emotional and at the same time be a responsible man whom people trust, because they dare to trust men who are honest and show they can accommodate others besides themselves. They are more believable than men who only play brave but aren’t.
You have a much better chance of getting what you need if you have the courage to be open and show who you really are – a whole person with all the feelings people have – and not someone posing as a parody of a “man” that others have tricked you into believing is a “real man”.
