Article in the Faroese women’s magazine Kvinna in 2019 about Elin Brimheim Heinesen and what she has learned from life. The article in Kvinna was a bit shorter, but here is the full-length article.
Facts about Elin
Born: 25th June 1958
Children: One daughter, Helena, born in 1990
Marital status: Single
About Family…
Family means incredibly much for the person one develops into as an adult. I grew up in a family that was in many ways atypical. Both of my parents were trailblazers. My father was a farmer’s son from the village of Sandavágur, who moved to Tórshavn at the age of 14 to start an apprenticeship as an office clerk. Later, he studied to become a teacher, but already at the age of 12, he knew he wanted to be a writer. My mother was raised by one of her aunts and grew up in Klaksvík in a very religious environment. She studied to be a language correspondent and worked all her life, which was not very common in her family, or for women in general at that time where most of them were homemakers.
Both my parents were very interested in art and culture. They helped found the Faroese branch of Amnesty International in the 60s, which, in addition to working on prisoner amnesty, also organized many cultural events. Our home was often filled with artists and creative people for parties and the like. So, it was a different and special home back then. Furthermore, my parents were the first to adopt a child from Korea. I am incredibly grateful for that.
As a child, I was also involved in everything that happened on the farm at my paternal grandparents’ in Sandavágur. Us children, my cousins, and I, looked after the cattle, helped with the harvest, and learned to cook Faroese food. All of this stuck with me. I have lived in Denmark for 25 years, but it has been significant for me to carry my family background with me, even though I led a city life there. It also made me very different from the Danes I interacted with.
About Parents…
I wish I could have told my younger self that trying to change your parents is futile. My father suffered from multiple disc herniations and ulcers, leading him to seek solace in the bottle. My mother was a chain smoker, a habit that used to annoy me until I grew older. I vividly remember her smoking on the balcony during their visits to Denmark.
When my mother passed away at the young age of 69 from lung cancer, my father’s life spiralled out of control. We tried everything to help him overcome his alcohol addiction, but nothing worked. I held onto anger for a long time, missing the kind father I had growing up. It was heartbreaking to see such an intelligent and caring person deteriorate in this manner.
Eventually, I realised that harbouring anger was fruitless. It was only when I let go of the idea of changing my parents that our relationship improved. Sometimes, you have to release control because trying to change someone who is unwilling drains the vitality out of you. Once I accepted that I could not change them, our relationship became much more relaxed.
About Siblings…
When I was 14 years old, I got a sister, something I had long wished for. When I was 10-11 years old, we lived in Spain for a year. I remember my mother coming to me to tell me something she said I should keep secret. She asked me if I could imagine having a sibling – if I was okay with it. So, in reality, they were asking for my permission. The answer was, of course, a big yes. However, it was a long process. There were many conversations with the adoption agency, and they came to our home to assess the living conditions. We had to wait for four years until Marianna finally arrived.
It was so exciting to have an adoptive sister. I must admit, I was sometimes a little jealous, but I knew I was too old to feel that way, so I couldn’t show it. I had become a troublesome teenager at that time, so my mother quickly got annoyed with me. She was much less strict with Marianna than she had been with me. That’s probably how it is with most siblings, the younger ones are more spoiled. But I was still incredibly happy for Marianna and still am. She is an amazingly good mother and has the world’s best children.
When I was in my mid-20s, I found out that I had a half-brother, Janus. I knew nothing about him before. He was around 10 years old at that time. It was my aunt who told me. She also arranged for us to meet. When I met Janus, I immediately liked him. He was an incredibly sweet and lovable boy. Janus still closely resembles our father, now that he is an adult – both in character and appearance.
I didn’t dare speak to my mother about it because I didn’t know if she knew anything about him. But later, I found out that she had known all along. She didn’t accept it – not until many years later, but she came to terms with it. My mother kept it a secret from us to maintain her ideal of the nuclear family, as she was raised to believe in. For my mother, getting married meant being married for life. It wasn’t that my parents didn’t love each other. They did in their own way, so divorce was never considered.
Later on – when I was in my early 40s, a young woman named Beinta contacted us and said she was Janus’s and my half-sister. She had just found out from her mother that our father was also her father. When we found out, she was only around 20 years old. My mother also welcomed her. I wanted to believe her, but I had doubts because I couldn’t see any resemblance to our father or anyone else in the family. Our father had also not paid child support to her mother. When my father passed away in 2011, the probate court asked Beinta for proof of the relationship. She was given several deadlines, but it was never confirmed. So, I still do not know for sure if we are really half-sisters or not. It’s frustrating to doubt something like this. I would very much like to have a DNA test done to get certainty and finally confirm once and for all if we are half-sisters or not.
About Life as a Mother…
When I was 31 years old, I gave birth to Helena. She was truly a desired child. I knew I wanted children, and my husband and I had tried for 2-3 years before it happened. And then this miracle came into the world. I couldn’t understand how I could be the mother to this amazing little being. She is the greatest love that hit me with great force. I have never experienced such immense love.
Becoming a mother is harder than you think, but it’s all worth it! It didn’t get any easier when Helena faced significant mental challenges in her teenage years. About 10 years ago, it resulted in her being urgently admitted to Bispebjerg Hospital in Copenhagen. She received a serious psychiatric diagnosis, and it took her a long time to recover, but luckily, she is doing well now and managing incredibly well.
It’s tough to be a mother to a child who is struggling. I’ve had many feelings of guilt. We probably did some things right as parents, but we also made many mistakes, and one never knows if it’s the cause of her issues. When my husband and I separated, everything was quite turbulent for a while. It affected Helena. Different circumstances prevented me from being there in the way I should have been for my teenage child. I moved to the Faroe Islands to take care of my father and worked there when it happened. I blame myself for not realizing how serious it was, so I could have reacted earlier to ensure she was okay.
I am so pleased that she is doing well today. She is a musician and artist and is very successful in her field right now. She is married to a woman from the USA, whom she lives with in Sweden. They are so good together, and as a mother, it is reassuring to know that Helena is in good hands.
About Men…
Men are wonderful – and sometimes scary as well. I am fascinated by how incredibly confident many men are. In many ways, this is fantastic, and in many cases, it is also incredibly beneficial because it means they dare to take on a lot, whereas women are often more reserved. However, some men can also be quite annoying because it is far from always that they have something to back up this confidence.
For example, I have experienced men who believe they are God’s gift to women. For them, it is a given that they should receive attention from women, even though women clearly have no interest in them. When I was younger, I encountered several instances where men crossed my boundaries as if they had the “right” to. It was a different time when it was considered more “acceptable,” so it happened quite often that random men touched my breasts or buttocks. And if you protested, they would just laugh at you or get angry. Unfortunately, I have too often experienced this lack of respect, as if women are second-class citizens and mere objects meant to satisfy their desires. But fortunately, these kinds of men are becoming fewer. There has been a significant improvement today, although we haven’t reached the finish line yet, in my opinion.
About Love…
Love is the foundation of everything. It is the meaning of life. It is what makes life worth living. When I think of love, I don’t just think of love for a partner, but love in its entirety. Children, family, parents. Love for humanity. Love enables you to look beyond yourself and empathize with others.
My daughter’s father was the love of my life when it comes to partners. Unfortunately, we did not fit well together. I have not felt the same deep love for any man, neither before nor since. We were together for 12 years, and I was deeply unhappy when I felt I had to leave him. But I thought that it was necessary, because I felt very alone in the relationship and not loved as the person I was. I withered away and became more and more silent and discouraged as a person. For example, he had no interest in moving to the Faroe Islands; not even for a short period. I felt like I was only living on his terms, while he did not want to approach mine. Although I was unhappy about it, I have not regretted making that decision.
I have been in two serious relationships since then, which also did not work out. Again, we were simply too different. Life has taught me that you need to find someone you are compatible with and who wants the same things as you. Otherwise, it doesn’t work. Many men are lovely, and a flirtation is not ruled out for that reason. It revives the hormones, even at my age. So I don’t reject a man today. It would be nice to have someone to go for walks with, go to the cinema with, or travel with. But move in with a man now? No… I have realized that I might be a bit peculiar. I am quite introverted, thrive in my own company, and need space to be myself. A man would have to accept that if he wants to have anything to do with me.
About Friendships…
After love, friendships are the most important for a good life. I have been incredibly lucky to have good friends around me. I have had a best friend, Maria, since I was five years old. Maria is one of the most loving people I know. Full of empathy and human kindness. We have never argued, even though we are very different. Perhaps that is exactly why we go so well together. We have never needed to compete for anything. She was very active in gymnastics, while I was a bookworm and nerdy. But we have always supported each other fully and have some common interests that unite us despite our differences. She is my witness to life, and I know her almost better than I knew my former husband and, for that matter, my parents. Not everyone is fortunate enough to have such a good friend.
About Gender Equality…
As long as genders hold so many prejudices about each other, we won’t achieve equality. There is a difference between women and men, no doubt about it. But the difference is smaller than we think. We are not so different after all. There is a significant overlap. We focus too little on what we have in common. Instead, we pigeonhole each other, where many do not fit. If you have many prejudices about the opposite gender, you tend to associate more with your own gender. The danger in that is that respect for the opposite gender may diminish. It’s a shame.
I have created a group on Facebook called “Discussion about women and men and gender issues”, which has become one of the biggest Facebook groups in the Faroe Islands. The purpose of the group is to be able to discuss honestly what it’s like to be a woman or a man and try to foster understanding between genders and build bridges between them. We women are vulnerable – at least physically – and need men to understand us better, just as men also need us to understand them better.
About Music…
To me, music is therapy. I have always been surrounded by music, and it has brought me immense joy. My mother and her sisters have always loved singing, and my uncle Svenn Brimheim was one of the most famous guitarists in the Faroe Islands in his time. My parents listened a lot to classical music and folk music. I started playing the piano at six years old and wrote my first songs at that age. Discovering harmonies was an aha moment for me, and apparently, I had a natural talent for it, as I have been writing and arranging songs since then.
The first time I sang publicly was on children’s radio when I was six years old. At 16, I began singing in something called V4, which was a very popular radio entertainment program in the Faroe Islands. I participated for two to three winter seasons, traveling around the islands on weekends and broadcasting live from different villages. One reason I chose to join V4 was that, at 7 years old, I was a victim of a sex offence crime in Tórshavn committed by an adult man. I was deeply affected by that event. I wanted to be ‘known’ for something else to shed this ‘stigma’ that had followed me for so long.
My task in the program was to sing satirical songs about politicians and other prominent figures. The songs were written in the last minute, so often I didn’t see the lyrics until minutes before I had to go on stage and perform the songs live on the radio. Looking back, I can’t believe I had the courage. But I was apparently young and naive, thinking anything was possible. Perhaps that’s why I was asked to be part of the program. Many adults might have declined. They wouldn’t dare. It didn’t always go well, for instance when I couldn’t pronounce words in the lyrics that were unfamiliar to me.
Today, I don’t quite understand how my parents allowed me to participate in the programme, as there was often a lot of drinking. They must have known. But times were different. Children and young people weren’t looked after as well back then as they are today. Therefore, children and young people had much greater freedom in many ways back then.
About Choosing the Faroe Islands…
I moved to the Faroe Islands after my mother passed away, as my father was not doing well after her death. The plan was to stay there for two years.
Upon returning to the Faroe Islands, I discovered how lovely it is. I rediscovered my spontaneity. In Denmark, everything is so carefully planned well in advance. I had completely forgotten how wonderful it was to just go out and meet people I knew without preparing beforehand. It was also nice to reconnect with family and old friends. Before I knew it, I had been here for seven years, and then my daughter asked me to terminate the apartment lease in Copenhagen because she could see how much happier I was in the Faroe Islands. So, I am still in Tórshavn.
About Work…
Work occupies a large part of my life and is extremely important. I can’t imagine retiring, although I don’t think I would get bored as I’m good at always finding something to do.
What my working life has taught me is how crucial good leadership is. Far too few leaders understand the power they hold over the well-being of their employees. If you’re not happy at work, you’re not happy in general. I’ve had many different workplaces and leadership positions, and what I’ve learned is that people should be treated differently – not the same. A workplace cannot be managed using a one-size-fits-all approach. You need to look at each employee individually and figure out how to bring out the best in them. Trust plays a significant role. You need to show people trust. I’m fortunate to have a really good boss today who shows me great trust, and it motivates me. Without trust, I lose courage and joy in my work.
About creating a hit…
You cannot intentionally create a hit. It is impossible to predict what will become a hit.
Many associate me with the song “Áh, tann deiliga Havn” (Oh, lovely Tórshavn) by the duo Nalja, which has somehow become a musical symbol for Ólavsøka (Sct. Olav’s Wake, the national days of the Faroe Islands), but Kári, my music partner in Nalja, owns the song. In the past, I could hear children on the street shouting: “There goes the lovely Havn.” At one point, both Kári and I were a bit tired of the song, but now we both feel differently. Today, we are proud to have made our musical mark on Ólavsøka.
People also hold dear the song “Eitt dýpi av dýrari tíð” (A Chasm of Precious Time) with lyrics by my father, Jens Pauli Heinesen, and music by me. I have always valued my father’s poetry, partly because it brings hope. Bringing hope is one of the most meaningful things you can do in life. My father wrote the poem at the age of 21 when his then-girlfriend left him. He apparently wrote the poem to comfort himself and remind himself that even if you are unhappy, life is still worth living.
I composed the song for the poem in 1987. It came to me in a few minutes. It is the song that came easiest to me out of all the songs I have written. It has always been there somewhere. But I had not foreseen that “A Chasm of Precious Time” would become a classic. Soon, I will release another song I have made for a poem by my father, “Sóleyan”, recorded with the City of Prague Philharmonic Orchestra and the Tórshavn male choir. It will be interesting to see if it becomes a hit or not.
