By Elin Brimheim Heinesen
Yesterday, the 19th of November, was International Men’s Day – a global day of recognition for men. I have seen people on Facebook debating whether men actually need such a day, considering men do not “whine” like women… Hmm, that depends on one’s perspective.
I believe that just as men often perceive women as annoying “naggers” when they complain about men being the cause of all their problems, women similarly perceive men as annoying “naggers” when they complain about women being the cause of theirs. In this regard, I think both genders are equally culpable.
However, playing the “blame game” is probably not the most constructive way to solve a problem that both genders actually suffer from: being subjected to some ancient ideas about gender norms, which in reality trap both genders in limiting boxes – that is, a specific perception of gender roles that is undoubtedly just as oppressive for men as it is for women.
These norms, or what we might call the “gender box mentality,” mean that many people who don’t feel completely at home in these boxes are afraid to just be themselves. If they don’t conform to the cultural norm, they fall outside the society where this gender perception applies and become marginalised.
I call myself a feminist, but I dislike it when some women, who also call themselves feminists, turn feminism into a matter of women versus men. This isn’t what feminism is about—or should be about—for me.
For me, feminism is about fighting for equality—nothing more, nothing less. Full stop. It’s about women—not just “complaining” about men and playing the victim—not submitting to oppressive cultural norms about how women “should be,” but taking responsibility to fight for their equality—not by fighting AGAINST the other gender, but by standing up for themselves and fighting FOR equality with the other gender, to the benefit and advantage of both genders. No one above. No one below.
I don’t see men as a gender as the cause of the gender-related problems many women struggle with. I see the cultural norms that trap both genders as the biggest challenge.
In the same way, I can imagine that men could benefit from a men’s movement that – instead of simply “whining” about women and playing the victim role in reverse – shifts the focus away from women as the cause of all their problems (which would only lead to fighting AGAINST women), to focusing on the cultural norms that lock men into a specific perception of masculinity, which also significantly represses men themselves, as this restrictive box simply does not allow them to just be human, for better or worse.
Always having to live up to being dominant and strong, which involves never being able to show the slightest weakness, is not a privilege, but often just a burden that hangs over men and is not only a reason for the oppression of women but also oppresses men themselves to a large extent. As I see it, men also have many good reasons to rebel against oppressive gender norms, to stand up for themselves and their equality, and to fight FOR equality with the other gender, to the benefit and win-win for both genders. No one above. No one below. Only balance.
This is not to say that I do not acknowledge that violence and unfair treatment exist, where women can be victims of men, and where men can be victims of women. Of course, there are many examples of this, but the real culprit here is not the gender itself, which perpetrates violence or unfair treatment of the other gender, but the cultural norms that place us all in these limiting gender roles, where men must be a certain way to call themselves “real men” and women in another way to call themselves “real women,” which often leads to tremendous frustration, culminating in people, in desperation, committing physical or psychological violence.
Thus, it is also not to say that there is no difference between women and men. Of course, women and men are not the same, but the difference should not be used as an excuse to oppress the other gender. Neither by men nor women. Full stop.
With this article, I aim to clarify why I stand with men and want to fully support them in their fight to improve men’s conditions. I am only speaking from my personal viewpoint on feminism to illustrate how much men and women actually have in common, because fundamentally men and women face almost the same issue, namely some cultural gender norms that restrict both genders in different ways, but both suffer under the stereotypical perceptions we hold of women and men.
Therefore, I completely understand why men also would want their own day – the International Men’s Day. Many men who identify as feminists say just the same: that the struggle for women’s rights is also their struggle for a better society, where women and men do not fight against each other but work together for a society where everyone can be included without fear of discrimination. That is why they support women.
I fully respect that men also have their day where their struggle is recognised, just as women do. In both cases, it helps to make the entire society more humane—not just for men or women but for everyone. Therefore, I would like to express my support.
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If you are genuinely interested in understanding the issue I mentioned above, then listen to this very interesting lecture:
