I have recently seen on Facebook discussions that people are wondering about women who return to men who are or have been violent towards them. A well-known social worker and advice columnist, Tine Bryld – also known as “Denmark’s Mother” – once commented on this in a youth programme called P4 in P1 on DR – Danish National Radio, where she said she understood so perfectly well why it is so difficult – indeed, much harder to break out of a bad relationship than a relationship where the parties are in balance with each other.
It’s not about masochism. It’s about how many “investments” you feel you’ve made in the relationship. Often, you have to give much more of yourself to make a bad relationship work than you would in a healthier one. Every time something bad happens, you struggle to save the relationship, maybe because you once loved the person deeply and sincerely wanted it to work – maybe also because you have children together, a house, etc., so it’s not easy to just walk away.
It takes a lot of mental energy to find balance again each time something bad happens between the partners. One partner may hurt the other so much that they break up and leave, but still feel really bad about it. Maybe all they want is to feel good again, so it’s very tempting to forgive when the one who hurt them asks for forgiveness.
This pattern occurs long before violence even becomes an issue, but when violence begins, it doesn’t change the pattern. That’s why we see people in relationships with many problems – including violent ones – trying again and again, without it getting any better.
It’s a bit like investing in a non-sustainable company. You start a business that you’re passionate about. But quickly, it becomes apparent that things are not going well. You struggle to make it work and invest more and more money into the company in the hope that luck will turn, but it just goes from bad to worse.
When you’ve used up almost everything you own and invested it all in the company, it’s very difficult to realize when enough is enough, and when it no longer makes sense to invest more energy into the company. Because you have so much at stake in the business and have used an incredible amount of resources on it, it’s so hard to give up and let go of it all, as it feels like all the struggle you’ve endured was in vain, and you’ve lost everything you’ve invested. It requires a lot to give up all that.
The same goes for bad, maybe violent, relationships.
This is how Tine Bryld formulated the problem. I think her description was very good of the dilemma that those trapped in violent relationships are in. For me, this account really made sense, and I now better understand what’s at stake and why it’s so hard for those stuck in violent relationships to get out of them, even though it – from an outsider’s perspective – would have obviously been the most sensible thing to do for both parties.